BDSM DEFINITION: everything you need to know about this practice

BDSM as a practice intrigues, sometimes unsettles, and often fascinates — but it is important to offer a clear definition of it.

Behind these four letters, an entire world unfolds: that of a codified, conscious, and infinitely personal desire, which can be expressed in many different ways.

Domination, submission, restraint, control, intense or delicate sensations… all these practices revolve around power dynamics.

BDSM does not denote a single practice, but a set of games: physical, psychological, symbolic, all founded on one common pillar: consent between partners.

This guide invites you to better understand the world of this realm of pleasure, particularly by exploring your desires with your partner, in a state of full awareness.

What does BDSM mean?

The word BDSM is an acronym that has established itself internationally to denote a set of sexual, erotic, relational and sensory practices, founded on consent, trust, and a codified exploration of power, restraint or sensation.

The French dictionary definition of BDSM encompasses: "all sexual practices involving bondage, domination, sadism and masochism, submission and punishment."

Behind these four letters, one finds in reality three complementary pairs among practitioners:

• B/D : Bondage & Discipline : the body is bound, contained, guided, within games of control and accepted rules.

• D/S : Domination & Submission (Dom/Sub) : a power dynamic where one leads, the other follows, within a temporary, freely defined agreement.

• S/M : Sadisme et Masochisme (Sadism & Masochism) : erotic exchanges where intensity, and sometimes pain, becomes a source of pleasure, for both the one who gives and the one who receives.

These terms, of English origin, are now used the world over: whether it be bondage, domination, subspace, switch, or impact play (codified striking games), BDSM speaks a universal language yet is practised in a personal, intimate way, with a content specific to each individual.

This is not an imposed act, but a precise role play, codified, constructed by two partners (or more).

Some prefer the slow languor of bondage; others the rising tension of a flogger during a spanking.

Some seek to relinquish control, others to exercise power — sometimes alternating between dominance and submission, depending on each person.

In any case, BDSM has nothing of a passing trend or a disorganised whim — it is a form of relationship, often deeply refined, that requires knowledge, attentiveness, preparation, and safety.

What is at play in BDSM is not pure transgression, but a free agreement around an erotic framework, a set of rules decided together. Never without the free, informed, reversible consent of every person involved in the sexual practice.

At 1969, we believe that BDSM is a world that offers a sexual, sensual and powerful experience — provided it is founded on respect, trust, and an attentiveness to the slightest signals of body and word. It is a game, a scene discussed beforehand, so that all the possibilities this practice has to offer can be fully embraced.

A brief history of BDSM: sadomasochism, domination and submission, bondage and discipline…

BDSM, as we know it today, is a recent definition and construction in its history. Yet the practices it encompasses — domination, restraint, intense or ritualised pleasure — explore power and traverse cultures, centuries, and languages.

Even in Antiquity, representations of power, sex and suffering coexisted in frescoes, myths and certain initiatory rituals.

In Japan, the art of Shibari (aesthetic bondage) finds its roots in Hojojutsu, a technique for immobilising prisoners developed as early as the 15th century.

In Europe, it is to the Marquis de Sade (1740–1814) that we owe one of the first literary bodies of work in the French language weaving together desire, sex, power and cruelty — not without controversy or condemnation.

But it was only in the twentieth century that these imaginaries came together into an identifiable BDSM culture, notably through the queer, sex-positive and feminist SM movements.

BDSM through the lens of psychoanalysis… and then philosophy

For a long time, these sexual practices were interpreted through a medical or psychoanalytic lens.

Sigmund Freud, at the turn of the twentieth century, associated sadomasochism with a repressed death drive, and saw it as a sign of neurosis.

A vision later contested by Gilles Deleuze, in "Présentation de Sacher-Masoch" (1967), who clearly distinguishes masochism from sadism:

"Masochism is not the opposite, but the double of sadism."

In Deleuze's view, the masochist, in submission, is not seeking pain, but a ritualised form of loss of control, within an aesthetic of contract, play, and staging.

This philosophical turning point marks the end of an era and opens the way for a rereading of BDSM as a language of power and relational structure, rather than as a pathology.

BDSM: a global culture, local scenes

From the 1970s onwards, BDSM culture took shape internationally, notably:

• In the United States (San Francisco, New York), where the first SM clubs and sex-positive manifestos were born,

• In Germany, the birthplace of the contemporary fetish movement (Berlin-style),

• In Japan, where a visual and codified bondage scene developed through shibari,

• In France, where the legacy of Sade meets libertine circles and post-feminist thought.

Today, BDSM takes shape according to the codes, languages and values of each country, but always with the same foundation: consent, safety and trust between partners.

The essentials to know before beginning BDSM

Discovering BDSM is like learning a new language — a sensory, bodily, emotional vocabulary that creates a unique bond between partners. A language where attentiveness precedes gesture, where every practice rests on a fundamental foundation: trust.

Because no, you don't begin with a crop or a rope — it is a whole:

One begins with a framework, a set of rules; one speaks of a consensual space, a chosen scene, an ethics of play.

The scene, or the framework of serious play in BDSM practice

In the world of BDSM, the word "scene" designates a precise moment in which partners choose to step into a role, a dynamic.

This is not theatre; it is a contract, even if unspoken. A ritualised space where one explores, in full awareness.

Before the scene: you talk, you establish boundaries, desires, and safewords.

After the scene: you care for one another, you listen, you reassure. This is the aftercare — that suspended moment where you return to yourself, together.

To set up a scene, discover our selection of Scene Accessories.

The pillars of healthy BDSM

Whether a novice or experienced, everything begins with three fundamental markers:

• Safe: no real danger, neither to the body nor to one's mental wellbeing.

• Sane: each person must be lucid, in full possession of their faculties.

• Consensual: nothing takes place without mutual agreement, reversible at any moment.

Some BDSM communities also use the RACK principle (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) to emphasise that one can take risks in one's sexuality, as long as those risks are understood, desired, and managed.

The language of BDSM: an essential glossary

To avoid misunderstandings between partners, it is worth knowing a few common terms:

• Dom / Dominant: the one who leads the scene.

• Sub / Submissive: the one who relinquishes control, within a defined framework.

• d s or d/s acronym for dominant and submissive

• Switch: a person capable of alternating roles, depending on partners or desires.

• Safeword (safety word): a word that immediately halts the scene if there is any discomfort.

• Aftercare: a moment of care and gentle return to calm after a scene.

• Hard limits / Soft limits: absolute limits (hard) or those to be explored with care (soft).

For enthusiasts or beginners, our BDSM kits are designed to lay the first foundations of a scene. Also discover our full range of BDSM accessories.

Exploring BDSM gently

Are you curious to explore a power dynamic within the world of BDSM?

Begin with lighter sensations: a blindfold, a pair of velvet handcuffs, a thin and supple flogger.

Do not seek performance: seek the quality of the connection, the subtlety of the dialogue.

BDSM is not an escalation. It is a rhythm for two (or more) — sometimes slow, sometimes bold, but always freely consensual.

At 1969, we believe that BDSM is neither a trend nor a taboo. It is a relational art, a terrain of trust, play, and awareness. And the most beautiful scene… often begins with a simple question: "And you — what would you like us to explore?"

Preconceptions around sadomasochism

Although more visible today, BDSM remains a practice largely surrounded by fantasy, confusion, and sometimes a certain wariness — often misunderstood by almost everyone.

The very word "sadomasochism" evokes, for some, the realm of pain, suffering, even perversion. But behind these projections lies a far richer, more nuanced, and deeply human reality.

"BDSM means wanting to hurt or be hurt" — domination and submission

This is perhaps the most persistent image: that of a power struggle where one person causes suffering and the other simply accepts everything.

In reality, BDSM has nothing to do with violence or pain inflicted upon another. It rests on a multitude of chosen, guided, and mutually desired practices, where each person has a voice.

What some call "pain" is in reality an intense stimulation, codified, anticipated, and always governed by strict rules: a safeword, constant dialogue, aftercare. Within this framework, pain is perceived differently.

In BDSM, nothing is imposed. Everything is built through a dynamic of attentiveness, respect, and informed consent.

"You have to be damaged or unstable to enjoy it"

For a long time, sadomasochism was regarded as a deviant personality or a pathology.

Yet contemporary research has profoundly challenged this view.

• A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine (2013) shows that BDSM practitioners present psychological profiles just as stable, or even more balanced than the general population: less anxious, more extroverted, with an often more secure attachment style.

• In 2020, a scientific review conducted by King's College London concluded that no significant link exists between BDSM and mental health disorders, provided the practice is consensual and takes place within a healthy framework.

BDSM is therefore not an escape or a form of compensation, but a mode of relationship and sensory communication, much like dance, theatre, or intense sport.

"It's necessarily sexual"

BDSM may include a sexual dimension, but it is by no means a requirement.

Some scenes unfold fully clothed, without genital contact, in a subtle or symbolic erotic tension. Pleasure can arise from a glance, from words, from a play of authority, from the slowness of a gesture.

It is a choreography for two (or more) where every sensation matters.

"BDSM is for the young, gay people, or extremists"

Here too, the numbers contradict the clichés:

People of all ages, all orientations, all gender identities explore BDSM today. Some discover these practices at 20, others at 50 or 60, within a stable relationship or as part of a rediscovery of self.

In 2022, a study from Cambridge University for European Psychiatry showed that BDSM is increasingly practised by heterosexual or cisgender couples, in gentle, personalised forms, far removed from the stereotypes portrayed in films or pornography.

Why try this sexual practice?

It is often thought that BDSM is reserved for initiates, underground circles, or devotees of extreme intensity.

In reality, it speaks to anyone curious about exploring their body, their limits, their emotions, within a safe and consensual framework.

Whether you have been in a relationship for twenty years, are single, a beginner, or already experienced, BDSM can enrich your intimate life with gentleness or intensity, according to your desires. It is not a practice reserved for an elite, but a territory to explore at your own pace, with your own map.

Here are 5 good reasons to explore this practice:

1. To reignite intimacy within a relationship

For example, over time, sexuality can grow blunted, ritualistic, losing its spontaneity. BDSM introduces a new dynamic into the exchange between partners: roles are played, scenarios explored, a different tension created — sometimes simply with a mask or a deeper voice.

This BDSM staging of power reopens the window of dialogue and presence within one's relationships.

2. To learn more about yourself

Exploring a BDSM practice also means questioning one's desire: what excites me? What unsettles me? Where are my limits, my secret longings?

It is a journey towards oneself, through the other partner, with a particular attentiveness to their reactions, their sensations, to what makes them shiver or pull back.

Many practitioners speak of a stronger sense of alignment with their body and emotions following these experiences.

3. To step away from sexual performance

In a society that prizes orgasm, duration, virility, or silent submission during sex, BDSM proposes a different model of sexual encounter: slower, more scripted, more sensual.

Here, orgasm is not always the destination; the journey matters as much as the summit.

One can experience pleasure without penetration, without nudity, without an imposed rhythm, simply through the power of tension, language, and codified gestures.

4. To explore trust and letting go

In a well-prepared BDSM scene, one surrenders — not to the other person, but to a framework.

One can then experience the sensation of controlled letting go (for the submissive) or that of erotic responsibility (for the dominant).

These are emotionally rich experiences, sometimes even therapeutic, as they allow one to reclaim ownership of one's body within a reassuring context.

5. Because there is no age limit for play

BDSM is not a question of age, gender, or body type.

Some begin at 20, others at 60. Practices can be adapted to one's physical abilities, current desires, and personal history.

The only true condition is the desire to discover — not to prove anything at all.

What do BDSM games involve?

BDSM is not reduced to a few accessories or extreme practices. It is a fully-fledged erotic language, with its own codes, rhythms, and temporality. It redefines the dynamic of sexual encounter, giving a central place to staging, psychological tension, and above all… consent.

The difference between BDSM play and "classic" sexual play

In so-called "classic" sexuality, pleasure often follows a linear path: arousal, penetration, orgasm. BDSM, by contrast, disrupts this structure.

What is sought is the emotional experience: the power play, the rising of desire, transgression in complete safety.

Here, the dominant / submissive (Dom/Sub) dynamic sometimes replaces immediate reciprocity. One leads, the other surrenders. This dynamic, codified, is chosen, discussed, and reversible. It rests on trust, communication, and attentiveness to boundaries.

Some scenes can be very gentle, based on sensory deprivation or control; others more intense, with impact play or restraint.

BDSM does not necessarily aim for orgasm. It explores power, letting go, vulnerability, and mastery. It is a space where people dare, in complete safety.

The ideal accessories to spice up your BDSM play

There is a great variety of objects and accessories designed to enrich the BDSM experience. There is no need to own everything: a few well-chosen items are enough to open a world of new sensations.

Here are a few suggestions, selected for their aesthetic, their safety of use, and their versatility:

• A blindfold or a BDSM mask to deprive one sense and awaken others: by blindfolding, you heighten imagination, attentiveness, and the shiver of anticipation.

• A pair of BDSM handcuffs or fabric restraints: to immobilise without harming, to create tension, to play on the contrast between surrender and control.

• A riding crop, a paddle or our floggers: to explore impact play with different materials and sensations.

• An outfit for a BDSM evening: to step into a character, play a role, and ritualise the exchange.

• A plug or a cockring to heighten stimulation during intimacy, to play with sensation, and to delay orgasm. Discover our selection of sex toys specially designed for BDSM.

How do I know if I am ready to try BDSM?

There is no typical profile, no ideal age, no level to reach before taking an interest in BDSM. But certain signals may indicate a desire to explore:

• You are in a stable relationship, but routine has dulled the intimacy. You are looking to rekindle desire, to introduce play, excitement, and surprise.

• You have fantasies linked to domination, submission, control — even vague ones, even ones never expressed.

• You are drawn to the idea of feeling differently, of stepping outside familiar scenarios, of (re)discovering your own body and that of another.

• You long for a more conscious sexuality, founded on communication, trust, mutual attentiveness, and agreed boundaries.

But above all, you are ready to respect a clear framework, defined between those involved, where every scene rests upon free, mutual, reversible consent, without ambiguity or pressure between partners.

BDSM is not a performance. It is an erotic dialogue, a role play, a chosen tension.

If the idea intrigues you, awakens something in you, or raises questions… then perhaps that is already a first step.

At 1969, we believe that desire follows no rules. It is invented through curiosity, attentiveness, and shared freedom between partners.

FAQ on what BDSM is