Mismatched libido in a relationship: how to find each other again?

Libido can be difficult to pin down: sometimes a sleeping beauty, sometimes queen of the night.

In the 1970s, desire was not in a hurry. It allowed itself to be filmed, photographed, observed in its silences and its impulses. There was talk of free bodies, of diffuse sensuality, of an erotic of the long game, in the spirit of the contemplative cinema of Emmanuelle, where desire is never forced, but always suggested.

If you are already attuned to the signals your body sends and to your own desire, you will know that libido can vary from one week to the next, sometimes even from one day to the next. 

Libido is neither cyclical, nor purely biological, nor entirely mysterious. It is the result of a combination of factors, some of which are beyond your control.

Sometimes you feel open, available, connected, ready to explore your own body and that of your partner. At other times, desire fades completely into the background. 

What can be difficult to grasp is that you are not always perfectly in sync with your partner. This libido gap within a relationship has a name: Sexual Desire Discrepancy (SDD). In practical terms, it is the difference between your desire and your actual sexual activity within your relationship, linked in particular to the libido fluctuations of your other half.

Desire discrepancies affect many couples: some manage to find their rhythm and communicate, while others find it more difficult to understand fluctuations in libido.

How to recognise and interpret your own variations in sexual desire? 

How can you prevent a difference in libido from affecting the quality of your relationship? 

How to reawaken a flagging libido? 

We explore the subject in depth to share our observations and advice with you.   

An essential reminder about libido 

Since libido will be our focus throughout this article, it is important to fully understand the subject and know exactly what we are talking about. 

Libido refers to sexual desire, an openness, a sexual availability to oneself and to another. It is something like a call from the body, inviting you to be intimate with someone and/or to pleasure yourself.

If we look at the purely medical definition of libido, it would be exclusively the result of your hormones and biological dispositions: "Libido is a feeling of sexual desire, essentially dependent on androgen secretion in both women and men." Academy of Medicine

It is a partial and incomplete way of approaching libido. 

If we look at the definition proposed by doctors F.Cour, S.Droupy and A.Faux in Anatomy and Physiology of Sexuality, libido would be "a psychobiological drive, fed by two sources: exogenous sensory and endogenous, corresponding to fantasies and sexual thoughts."

We tend to align with this second perspective, which takes into account not only purely biological factors but also environmental and psychological ones. 

Why do we prefer this definition? Because it gives you power over your libido. If your desire is dormant, you can stimulate it, awaken it and stoke it in a thousand and one ways.

Do men have a higher libido than women? 

This is THE great question (or great cliché) surrounding libido. Men are said to have an overwhelming libido, always ready to make love, while women are thought to experience significant variations linked to their hormones and sensitivity. 

This view lacks nuance. It is a subject that must be handled with care. 

In the 1970s, certain voices were already beginning to challenge these preconceptions. The work of American sexologist and essayist Shere Hite gave women a voice on their desires, fantasies and rhythms, revealing a sexuality far richer and more nuanced than the dominant stereotypes of the era.

There is indeed a biological reality: libido is significantly influenced by hormones. This partly explains why women often express a more intense sexual desire around the time of ovulation (mid-cycle), when they secrete a large quantity of sex hormones. On the male side, sex hormones are produced at a regular rate throughout the month.

In reality, to truly understand your libido, you need to look beyond the hormonal system. So many factors come into play that it is impossible to be satisfied with such a binary, gendered generalisation.

Laure Dasinieres, a journalist for Slate magazine, conducted a study on around one hundred people between the ages of 25 and 73 (women and men) in an attempt to better understand the expression of their sexual desire. The result: there is no notable libido gap between men and women.

She then turned to Dr Patrick Papazian, a sexologist based in Paris, to refine her observations. Here is what he has to say: 

"If there is a difference, it is a difference in expression. It is accepted and expected that men express and own their desire [...] When, as a man, one has the opportunity to have an open and honest conversation with women, it seems to me that one realises the situation is more balanced. It's just that women are less likely to shout their desire from the rooftops, because once again, that is what is socially expected of them."

And what does science have to say on the matter? There is no consensus. Studies contradict one another. If one were to rely solely on Freudian analysis and the statistics of the 1980s, men would be subject to an overwhelming libido and uncontrollable sexual urges. But the closer we get to modern times, the more women's libido is recognised and taken seriously.

According to an American study published in 2022, 25% of women actually have a higher libido than men. 

We therefore invite you to avoid generalisations, and to be attentive to your own reality. Give yourself the right to express your desire or your absence of desire, whatever your gender or sexual orientation. Free yourself from expectations and put your body back at the centre.

What are the factors that can influence libido? 

Hormones and libido: allies and adversaries 

As you will have gathered, we do not wish to reduce libido to its purely biological and hormonal dimension. It is, however, a reality: hormonal fluctuations have an impact on sexual desire. Here is what is at play for women and for men.

On the female side, sexual appetite is influenced by oestrogen and progesterone (sex hormones), the production of which fluctuates throughout the menstrual cycle. Ovulation is a key moment: both hormones are produced in large quantities to allow the release of the egg and to prepare the body for a possible pregnancy.

However, these are not the only hormones at play in the expression of libido. 

Sexual desire manifests when other hormones activate the body's arousal mechanism : dopamine and endorphins, among others. These hormones are released when you are having a good time, exercising, eating something you enjoy…

The feeling of happiness and fulfilment can only be expressed if these hormones are not inhibited by other "harmful" hormones, such as prolactin. 

On this point, women and men are in agreement. 

On the masculine side, it is primarily testosterone that drives sexual desire. It is produced consistently throughout the month and experiences no notable fluctuation, except in the case of specific conditions. It simply tends to decrease with age.

What is less widely known is that women also produce testosterone. What is rather curious is that this hormone has no influence whatsoever on their libido!

How your mental health influences your libido

Your mental health affects your libido. This is no myth: your stress levels, your state of anxiety and your sleep directly influence your sexual desire.

It is easy to understand: if you are exhausted or preoccupied by something, there is little chance you will be able to dedicate time and energy to your intimate life. 

As far back as 2006, researchers were exploring the influence of mental health on the expression of libido. That year, a French study conducted on more than 1,000 adults revealed that 73% of individuals are less inclined to make love during periods of stress.

Another conclusion from this study: libido is contextual and also depends on the state of mind you are in. Once again, this conclusion is easy to understand: you are inevitably more in the mood during a beach holiday than when you are rushing through the London Underground.

Libido is therefore the result of a whole, of an overall state of mind. When you feel well, enthusiastic, rested and confident in yourself and with your partner, you allow yourself to express your sexual desire.

Sometimes it only takes a piece of bad news or an unaddressed insecurity to get in the way of libido. If you struggle to understand the fluctuations of desire in your partner or in yourself, make sure to take this psychological dimension into account. 

To feel the desire to be intimate, you need to be able to let go. And to let go, you need to be in the right headspace. 

Libido in the face of life's challenges

If you were once burning with desire for your partner (or even alone), certain significant life moments can mark important shifts in your libido. This is entirely natural. Honour your own rhythm, your own pace — there is no obligation to make love or to feel a consuming, insatiable desire all the time.

Every couple goes through pivotal life moments, including: 

The postpartum period 

During pregnancy, the female body is placed under considerable strain. Add to that the stress and fatigue of a newborn's early months, and you have a cocktail that is far from conducive to an abundant intimate life. 

In the postpartum period, couples often struggle to find their way back to each other, to find time alone, so consumed are they by the role of parenthood.

While men often express the need to rediscover intimacy in the first weeks following birth, this is not always the case for women. They need to reclaim their bodies and restore their sense of themselves as objects of desire. 

Every couple has its own sense of timing, there are no rules to follow. The return to intimacy can take several weeks, or even several months. In their article Impact of the mode of delivery on the sexuality of first-time mothers (2022), gynaecologists S. Ghades, O. Kaabia and M.R. Fatnassi report that 30% of women experience desire disorders, even 3 months after giving birth.

Illness

If you or your partner are facing illness, libido may be put on pause for a while. Remember that the body always dedicates its energy to vital functions. In these kinds of moments, your needs and priorities are not focused on sexual desire.

Gynaecological conditions such as endometriosis or PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) directly affect the female hormonal system and disrupt the expression of libido. These conditions remain largely under-diagnosed, yet at least one in ten women is affected, according to the World Health Organization.

Finally, certain treatments can also influence libido: antidepressants or treatments containing synthetic hormones, for example.

Hormonal changes (menopause and andropause)

Menopause and andropause are significant hormonal transitions that occur on average between the ages of 45 and 55. While andropause is not universal, 100% of women experience menopause — that is, a drop in oestrogen and progesterone levels.

This hormonal deficiency manifests through a range of symptoms, including the genitourinary syndrome of menopause (GSM). It encompasses all the disorders affecting the intimate area: vaginal dryness, painful intercourse, and urinary disturbances. One in two menopausal women is affected.

During this period, many women report a significant discomfort during intimacy. They tend to gradually lose interest in sexuality and disengage from that part of their lives. Inevitably, their libido is affected.

On the male side, andropause is often referred to as the "male menopause". In practical terms, testosterone levels decline, which is accompanied by erectile difficulties and a lower libido.

And what about your relationship in all of this? 

When there is tension in the relationship, libido rarely feels welcome. Unspoken words, accumulated frustrations, the small daily resentments quickly take up all the space… Leaving little room for desire.

When you are no longer on the same wavelength, when certain subjects remain unresolved, it becomes difficult to truly reconnect, to relax, to let go. The body, for its part, understands perfectly well what is at play: it closes off, it protects itself, it waits for the atmosphere to soften again.

Before worrying about a flagging libido, take a step back. Ask yourself whether there are things to untangle in the background: life plans that are no longer aligned, a mental load that has grown too heavy, tensions around money, children, day-to-day organisation, or simply a fatigue that has settled in.

Sometimes, the heart of the issue… Is the libido gap itself. One waits, the other feels pressured or guilty, distance sets in and each person retreats into their own corner. Desire grows quiet, and the relationship enters a kind of vicious cycle.

In these situations, there is no miracle solution. But there is an essential starting point: opening the conversation. We talk about this just below.

Libido gaps in a relationship: how to find your way back to each other? 

Opening the conversation as a couple 

When there is a libido gap and you struggle to find each other again, talking about it becomes essential. It is not pleasant for anyone, and it is often unsettling for both sides.

The person who feels less desire may feel inadequate, "failing", or have the impression that the other is expecting something they cannot give. Sometimes, they do not even understand themselves what is happening: a medical treatment, a dip in self-confidence, deep fatigue, a complicated relationship with their own body… All avenues worth exploring together, without pressure.

On the other side, the person with the higher libido may feel rejected, undesired, pushed away. They may experience the absence of intimacy as a personal refusal, or even as a loss of love, when that is not necessarily the case.

To avoid misunderstandings and prevent the situation from escalating, it is important to defuse things gently. To talk not to solve the problem immediately, but to understand what each person is going through.

A few simple questions can already open up a great deal:

• How are you feeling in our relationship right now?

• What has been on your mind lately?

• Do you feel good, supported, heard?

• Are there things we could improve to rediscover greater closeness?

Sometimes, the solution does not even involve sexuality. Arranging childcare, carving out real moments together, finding each other again without any particular goal — just to be together, to laugh, to share… Giving the relationship its place again, the team you make together.

And if the conversation is too difficult to start alone, seeking support from a sex therapist or couples' counsellor can be a real breath of fresh air. Not because "things are going badly", but because you want to take care of your connection.

Returning to what matters: intimacy and sensuality 

Before seeking to push the boundaries of your sexuality, come back to what matters. To what makes you love each other, choose each other, want to find your way back to one another.

Creating sensuality is sometimes simply a matter of slowing down. Softer lighting, a record turning slowly, a warm voice in the background. In the 1970s, artists like Marvin Gaye were already singing of a muted desire, carnal, deeply emotional, far from any pressure to perform.

Reconnect with what you deeply desire in the other person. What makes you weak at the knees, what moves you, what arouses you sometimes without you even knowing why.

A few very practical suggestions, to adapt to your own way of loving:

• Planning surprise dates, even simple ones, even brief ones.

• Taking time to prepare yourself for the other: lingerie that makes you feel beautiful, a favourite scent, a new haircut.

• Giving compliments, without waiting for a particular occasion.

• Leaving tender notes around the house, in a bag, on the pillow.

• Being attentive to the details, to what brings pleasure to the other person.

• Making room for spontaneity, without planning everything.

Rekindling the art of seduction also means accepting that you are not entirely taken for granted. Desiring each other anew, seeing each other differently, savouring that gentle tension that sometimes precedes a touch.

Awakening desire and honouring its rhythm 

When libido begins to stir, there is no need to rush. There is no race, no level to reach. Desire likes to be allowed to come in its own time, to be gently coaxed.

To gently turn up the heat, several options are available to you:

• Some playful, flirtatious texts to keep desire alive throughout the day.

• A shared erotic audio, or a sensual playlist to create an evocative atmosphere.

• Slow kisses, shared mindfully to deepen connection and intimacy.

• A moment to rediscover the other's body, as if for the first time, with caresses, body paint or slow erotic massages.

There is no need to aim for "perfect" or elaborate encounters. Sensuality has its rightful place, often well before sexuality in the strict sense. Erotic massage oils, arousal gel , caresses, sensory play, gazes, shared breath… Let the sensations guide the moment.

Here, the goal is neither penetration, nor orgasm, nor performance. It is desire itself. The pleasure of simply being there, together, in the moment. Trust yourselves.

Going further: exploring your sexuality as a couple 

Once you feel at ease, reconnected, ready to explore, why not gently stray from the beaten path? Sexuality is full of possibilities, games and discoveries to experience together.

If you have never explored the world of sex toys, it can sometimes be an excellent way to renew desire and nurture intimacy. A vibrating cock ring for shared sensations, a vibrating egg with a remote control to play with anticipation, a strap-on to swap roles and explore new territory… The possibilities are endless.

Discover our selection of sex toys for couples

Here are our recommendations:

• A wand to gently guide an erotic massage towards a sensual exploration of intimate areas.

• Frenulum stimulation to discover new, more targeted sensations around penile pleasure. A practice that takes time and learning — a way to discover yourself differently.

• A couples' vibrator to heighten stimulation during penetrative intimacy.

What matters is not what you choose, but how you experience it: with attentiveness, respect, curiosity and pleasure. Libido is not a goal to be reached — it is a path to walk together.