Mismatched libido in a relationship: how to find each other again?

Libido can be difficult to pin down: at times a sleeping beauty, at others queen of the night.

In the 1970s, desire was in no hurry. It let itself be filmed, photographed, observed in its silences and its surges. There was talk of free bodies, of diffuse sensuality, of an eroticism of the long, slow burn — in the spirit of the contemplative cinema of Emmanuelle, where desire is never forced, but always suggested.

If you are already attuned to your body's signals and your own desire, you know that libido can vary from one week to the next, sometimes even from one day to the next. 

Libido is neither cyclical, nor purely biological, nor entirely mysterious. It is the result of a combination of factors, some of which are beyond your control.

Sometimes you feel open, available, connected, ready to explore your body and your partner's. At other times, desire fades entirely into the background. 

What can be difficult to navigate is that you are not always perfectly in sync with your partner. This libido mismatch within a couple has a name: Sexual Desire Discrepancy (SDD). In concrete terms, it is the difference between your desire and your actual sexual activity within your relationship, linked in particular to the libido fluctuations of your other half.

Desire discrepancies affect many couples: some manage to find their rhythm and communicate, while others struggle more with understanding libido fluctuations.

How to recognize and interpret your own variations in sexual desire? 

How can you ensure that a difference in libido does not affect the quality of your relationship? 

How do you awaken a dormant libido? 

We explore the subject in depth to share our observations and advice with you.   

An essential reminder about libido 

Since we will be discussing libido throughout this article, it is important to have a clear understanding of the subject and to know exactly what we are talking about. 

Libido refers to sexual desire, an openness, a sexual availability — to oneself as well as to another. It is a little like a call from the body inviting you to be intimate and / or to explore yourself.

If we look at the purely medical definition of libido, it would be exclusively the product of your hormones and your biological disposition: "Libido is a feeling of sexual desire, essentially dependent on androgen secretion in both women and men." Academy of Medicine

This is a truncated and incomplete view of libido. 

If we look at the definition offered by doctors F. Cour, S. Droupy and A. Faux in Anatomy and Physiology of Sexuality, libido is described as "a psychobiological drive, fed by two sources: exogenous sensory and endogenous, corresponding to fantasies and sexual thoughts."

We tend to align with this second perspective, which takes into account not only purely biological factors but also environmental and psychological ones. 

Why do we prefer this definition? Because it gives you power over your libido. If your desire has gone quiet, you can stimulate, awaken and kindle it in a thousand and one ways.

Do men have a higher libido than women? 

This is THE great question (or the great cliché) surrounding libido. Men supposedly have an overflowing libido, always ready to make love, while women are said to experience significant variations linked to their hormones and emotional sensitivity. 

This view lacks nuance. It is a subject that deserves to be handled with care. 

In the 1970s, certain voices were already beginning to challenge these received ideas. The work of American sexologist and essayist Shere Hite gave women a platform to speak about their desire, their fantasies and their rhythms, revealing a sexuality far richer and more nuanced than the dominant stereotypes of the era.

There is indeed a biological reality: libido is largely influenced by hormones. This partly explains why women often experience a more intense sexual desire around ovulation (mid-cycle), when sex hormones are produced in large quantities. On the male side, sex hormones are produced at a steady and regular pace throughout the month.

In reality, to truly understand your libido, you need to look beyond the hormonal system. So many factors come into play that it is impossible to settle for a binary, gendered generalization.

Laure Dasinieres, a journalist for the media outlet Slate, conducted a study on around a hundred people between the ages of 25 and 73 (women and men) in an attempt to better understand the expression of their sexual desire. The result: there is no notable libido gap between men and women.

She then turned to Dr Patrick Papazian, a sexologist based in Paris, to refine her observations. Here is what he had to say: 

"If there is a difference, it is a difference in expression. It is accepted and expected that men express and own their desire [...] When, as a man, one has the opportunity to have an open and honest conversation with women, it seems to me that one realizes the situation is more balanced. Only, women shout their desire from the rooftops far less, because, once again, that is what is socially expected of them."

And what does science have to say on the matter? There is no consensus. Studies contradict one another. If one relies on Freudian analysis and the statistics of the 1980s, men would be subject to an overflowing libido and uncontrollable sexual impulses. But the closer we get to modern times, the more women's libido is taken into consideration.

According to an American study published in 2022, 25% of women actually have a higher libido than men. 

We therefore invite you to avoid generalizations and to be attentive to your own reality. Give yourself the right to express your desire or your lack of desire, regardless of your gender or sexual orientation. Free yourself from expectations and put your body back at the center.

What are the factors that can influence libido? 

Hormones and libido: allies and enemies 

As you will have gathered, we do not wish to reduce libido to its purely biological and hormonal dimension. It is, however, a reality: hormonal variations have an impact on sexual desire. Here is what is at play for women and for men.

On the feminine side, sexual appetite is influenced by estrogen and progesterone (sex hormones), whose production fluctuates throughout the menstrual cycle. Ovulation is a key moment: these two hormones are produced in large quantities to allow the release of the egg and to prepare the body for a potential pregnancy.

However, these are not the only hormones at play in the expression of libido. 

Sexual desire manifests when other hormones activate the body's arousal mechanism: dopamine and endorphins, among others. These hormones are released when you are having a good time, exercising, eating something you enjoy…

The sense of happiness and satisfaction can only be felt when these hormones are not inhibited by other "harmful" hormones, such as prolactin. 

On this point, women and men find common ground. 

On the male side, it is primarily testosterone that drives sexual desire. It is produced steadily throughout the month and does not fluctuate noticeably, except in specific pathological cases. It simply tends to decline with age.

What is less widely known is that women also produce testosterone. What is remarkable is that this hormone has no influence on their libido!

How your mental health influences your libido

Mental health impacts your libido. This is no myth: your stress levels, your nervous state and your sleep directly influence your sexual desire.

It is easy to understand: if you are exhausted or preoccupied by something, there is little chance you will be able to dedicate time and energy to intimacy. 

As early as 2006, researchers began exploring the influence of mental health on the expression of libido. That year, a French study conducted on more than 1,000 adults revealed that 73% of individuals feel less inclined toward intimacy during periods of stress.

Another conclusion from this study: libido is contextual and also depends on the state of mind you are in. Once again, this conclusion is easy to understand: you are inevitably more in the mood during a beach holiday than when you are rushing through the Paris metro.

Libido is therefore the result of a whole, of an overall state of mind. When you feel well, enthusiastic, rested and confident — in yourself and with your partner — you allow yourself to express your sexual desire.

Sometimes all it takes is a piece of bad news or an unaddressed insecurity to get in the way of libido. If you struggle to understand the fluctuations of desire in your partner or in yourself, make sure to take this psychological dimension into account. 

To feel like making love, you need to be able to let go. And to let go, you need to be in a good place within yourself. 

Libido in the face of life's challenges

If you were once consumed by desire for your partner (or even on your own), certain important life moments can bring significant changes to your libido. That is entirely normal. Respect your own rhythm, your own timing — there is no obligation to make love or to feel a burning, insatiable desire all the time.

All couples go through pivotal life moments, including: 

The postpartum period 

During pregnancy, the female body is put under considerable strain. Add to that the stress and fatigue of a newborn's first months of life and you have a cocktail that is hardly conducive to a vibrant intimate life. 

In the postpartum period, couples often struggle to find each other again, to carve out time alone, as the role of parent takes over so completely.

While men often express the need to reconnect intimately in the weeks following birth, this is not always the case for women. They need to reclaim their body and restore its place as an object of desire once more. 

Every couple has its own sense of timing, there are no rules to follow. The return to intimacy may take several weeks, or even several months. In their article Impact of the delivery method on the sexuality of first-time mothers (2022), gynecologists S. Ghades, O. Kaabia and M.R. Fatnassi report that 30% of women experience desire disorders, even 3 months after giving birth.

Illness

If you or your partner are facing illness, libido may be put on pause for a time. Remember that the body always dedicates its energy to vital functions. In moments like these, your needs and priorities are not centered on sexual desire.

Gynecological conditions such as endometriosis or PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) directly affect the female hormonal system and cast a shadow over the expression of libido. These conditions are still widely underdiagnosed, yet at least one in ten women is affected, according to the World Health Organization.

Finally, certain treatments can also influence libido: antidepressants or treatments containing synthetic hormones, for example.

Hormonal changes (menopause and andropause)

Menopause and andropause are significant hormonal transitions that occur on average between the ages of 45 and 55. While andropause is not universal, 100% of women experience menopause — that is, the drop in estrogen and progesterone levels.

This hormonal deficiency manifests through a range of symptoms, most notably the genitourinary syndrome of menopause (GSM). It encompasses all intimate-zone discomforts: vaginal dryness, painful intercourse, and urinary disorders. One in two menopausal women is affected.

During this period, many women report a significant discomfort during intercourse. They tend to gradually lose interest in sexuality and to step back from that part of their lives. Inevitably, their libido is affected.

On the male side, andropause is often referred to as "male menopause". In practical terms, testosterone levels decline, which comes with erectile difficulties and a lower libido.

And what about your relationship in all of this? 

When there are tensions in a relationship, libido rarely feels welcome. The unspoken things, the accumulated frustrations, the small everyday resentments quickly take up all the space… Leaving little room for desire.

When you are no longer on the same wavelength, when subjects remain unresolved, it becomes difficult to truly find each other again, to relax, to let go. The body, for its part, understands very well what is at play: it closes off, it protects itself, it waits for the climate to soften once more.

Before worrying about a flagging libido, take a step back. Ask yourself whether there might be, beneath the surface, things to untangle: life goals that are no longer aligned, a mental load that has grown too heavy, tensions around money, children, the logistics of daily life, or simply a fatigue that has quietly settled in.

Sometimes, the heart of the problem… Is precisely the desire discrepancy. One partner waits, the other feels pressured or guilty, distance grows and each retreats into their own corner. Desire becomes elusive, and the couple enters a kind of vicious cycle.

In these situations, there is no miracle solution. But there is one indispensable starting point: opening the conversation. We will talk about that just ahead.

Desire discrepancy in a relationship: how to find your way back to each other? 

Opening the conversation within the relationship 

When there is a libido gap and you struggle to find each other again, talking about it becomes essential. It is uncomfortable for everyone, and it is often unsettling for both sides.

The person who feels less desire may feel inadequate, "broken," or have the sense that the other is expecting something they cannot give. Sometimes they do not even understand themselves what is happening: a medical treatment, a dip in self-confidence, a deep fatigue, a complicated relationship with their body… All threads worth exploring together, without pressure.

On the other side, the person with the higher libido may feel rejected, unwanted, pushed away. They may experience the absence of intimacy as a personal refusal, or even as a loss of love, even though that is not necessarily the case.

To avoid misunderstandings and prevent the situation from worsening, it is important to defuse things gently. To talk not in order to fix the problem immediately, but to understand what each person is going through.

A few simple questions can already open up a great deal:

• How are you feeling right now in our relationship?

• What has been on your mind lately?

• Do you feel well, supported, heard?

• Are there things we could improve to find more closeness again?

Sometimes, the solution has nothing to do with sexuality itself. Having someone watch the children, carving out real moments together, finding each other again without any particular goal — just to be together, to laugh, to share… Giving the couple, the team you form, its rightful place.

And if starting the conversation feels too difficult alone, seeing a sex therapist or a couples' therapist can be a real breath of fresh air. Not because "things are bad," but because you want to take care of your connection.

Getting back to essentials: closeness and sensuality 

Before seeking to push the boundaries of your sexuality, come back to what matters most. To what makes you love each other, choose each other, want to find each other again.

Creating sensuality sometimes simply means slowing down. A softer light, a vinyl record turning slowly, a warm voice in the background. In the 1970s, artists like Marvin Gaye were already singing of a hushed desire, carnal, deeply emotional, far removed from any pressure to perform.

Reconnect with what you deeply desire in the other person. What makes you weak at the knees, what moves you, what arouses you sometimes without even knowing why.

A few very concrete ideas, to adapt to your own way of loving:

• Planning surprise dates, even simple ones, even brief ones.

• Taking time to prepare yourself for the other: lingerie that makes you feel beautiful or handsome, a perfume, a new haircut.

• Giving compliments, without waiting for a particular occasion.

• Leaving sweet notes around the house, in a bag, on the pillow.

• Being attentive to the little things, to what brings the other person pleasure.

• Making room for spontaneity, without planning everything.

Rekindling the art of seduction also means accepting that nothing is entirely taken for granted. Desiring each other anew, seeing each other with fresh eyes, savoring that gentle tension that sometimes precedes a touch.

Awakening libido and honoring its rhythm 

When libido begins to stir, there is no need to rush. There is no race, no level to reach. Desire likes to be allowed to arrive on its own terms, to be gently tamed.

To gently turn up the heat, several options are available to you:

• Some playful, flirtatious texts to keep desire alive throughout the day.

• A shared erotic audio, or a sensual playlist to set a sultry mood.

• Slow kisses, shared in full mindfulness to deepen connection and closeness.

• A moment to rediscover the other's body, as if for the first time, with caresses, body paint or slow erotic massages.

There is no need to aim for "perfect" or elaborate encounters. Sensuality has its full place, often well before sexuality in the strict sense. Erotic massage oils, arousal gel , caresses, sensory play, gazes, shared breath… Let the sensations guide the moment.

Here, the goal is neither penetration, nor orgasm, nor performance. It is desire itself. The pleasure of simply being there, together, in the moment. Trust yourselves.

Going further: exploring your sexuality as a couple 

Once you feel comfortable, reconnected, ready to explore, why not gently step off the beaten path? Sexuality is full of possibilities, games and discoveries to experience together.

If you have never explored the world of sex toys, it can sometimes be an excellent way to renew desire and nurture complicity. A vibrating cockring for shared sensations, a vibrating egg with remote control to play with anticipation, a strap-on to switch roles and explore new territory… The possibilities are endless.

Discover our selection of couples' sex toys

Here are our recommendations:

• A wand to gently guide an erotic massage toward a sensual exploration of intimate areas.

• Frenulum stimulation to discover new, more targeted sensations around penile pleasure. A practice that takes time and exploration — a way to discover yourself differently.

• A couples' vibrator to amplify stimulation during penetrative intercourse.

What matters is not what you choose, but the way you experience it: with attentiveness, respect, curiosity and pleasure. Libido is not a goal to be reached — it is a path to walk together.