There are gestures that humanity has always practiced — tried to forbid, to paint, to sing — without ever truly exhausting them. The kiss is one of them. In this article, we explore what this gesture truly holds: its chemistry, its history, its secrets. Not to teach you how to kiss. But to help you understand why you will never forget it.
"My love, our bodies must remember / all the nights we have shared together"Louis Aragon, Il n'y a pas d'amour heureux (sung by Ferré)
Valentine's Day approaches with its procession of red roses, heart-shaped chocolates and predictable candlelit dinners — but what if this year you chose a different path, one that leads toward true intimacy, the kind that reinvents itself, whispers itself, discovers itself in the fold of the sheets and the breathless sighs of shared nights?
Giving a sex toy for Valentine's Day is not simply adding an object to your collection — it is opening a door, the door of curiosity, of play, of renewed intimacy, it is saying to the other: I want us to explore ourselves, differently, I want our desire to stay alive, to transform, to surprise.
"In the year 1969, Serge Gainsbourg whispered words to Jane Birkin that caused scandal and inspired dreams all at once — the sexual revolution demanded it, people finally dared to say that pleasure was not shameful, that it could be shared, invented, celebrated. Today, we are the heirs of that freedom — the one that refuses to let desire fall asleep under the weight of routine or convention."
Whether you have been together for six months or fifteen years, whether you form a heterosexual, queer, trans, polyamorous couple or simply one that defies labels, a sex toy can become the ritual that makes the heart beat differently — a silent language, a kept promise: never to take shared pleasure for granted.
At 1969, we believe that love is nourished by attention, by presence, and sometimes by a gentle technological nudge to awaken the senses. Here is why and how a sex toy can transform your Valentine's Day into an intimate and unforgettable celebration.
Why give a sex toy for Valentine's Day?
Because love reinvents itself
The early days are electric: every caress is a discovery, every kiss uncharted territory — then time passes and what was fire becomes tenderness, sometimes routine. This is not inevitable — it is an invitation, to reinvent your intimate rituals the way you change a record on a turntable, to rediscover the thrill of the first groove.
A sex toy is an opportunity to venture off the beaten path, to offer a new game, an unfamiliar sensation, a different way of touching. It is not replacing what already exists — it is enriching it, saying: our desire deserves our care, our attention, our willingness to let it grow like a rare plant that asks to be tended.
Valentine's Day then becomes the perfect pretext to place this object between the two of you, like a gentle proposal: what if we tried, what if we let ourselves be surprised by what our bodies can still discover together?
Because it is an intimate conversation
There are desires we keep to ourselves, curiosities we dare not voice, fantasies that remain tucked in the shadows out of modesty, fear of judgment, or simply a lack of words. Anaïs Nin wrote in her diary: "We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly." (The Diary of Anaïs Nin). Desire, too, grows unevenly, unpredictably, sometimes in silence.
Giving a sex toy is opening a dialogue without having to say everything — it is offering a neutral playground where desires can be expressed without pressure. The sex toy becomes a mediator: it speaks for you, suggests for you, explores for you, and often it is in discovering it together that you begin to talk, to say what you enjoy, what intrigues you, what you would like to try.
Complicity is woven in these exchanges — whispered in the intimacy of a bedroom or slipped between nervous bursts of laughter, like a confidence shared in the dim light of a late evening.
Because shared pleasure strengthens the bond
Science confirms it: sharing sexual experiences releases oxytocin, the hormone nicknamed "the attachment hormone" — but beyond neurotransmitters, there is something simpler, more visceral. Coming together is creating a shared memory, an imprint that remains engraved in the body as much as in the mind.
A couple's sex toy is a pleasure that flows like an electric current, a vibration that runs through both bodies, a rhythm discovered together. It is the experience of being in sync, of looking into each other's eyes as pleasure rises, of laughing when it doesn't quite work at first, of trying again until it becomes second nature — like a choreography learned together, without a written score.
These moments engrave themselves in sensory memory — they become your secret rituals, your intimate codes, your warm recollections, and that is exactly what love needs to endure: unique moments, repeated, renewed, always a little different.
Because Valentine's Day can be something other than a cliché
Roses, chocolates, gift cards — year after year, the same script writes itself. But what if you wrote your own this time, with your own words, your own gestures, your own definition of what it means to celebrate love?
Valentine's Day, in its 1969 version, is not the celebration of the ideal couple as imagined by women's magazines or Hollywood films — it is the celebration of your couple, of what makes you unique, of what makes you tremble, literally. It is the legacy of May '68 whispering "pleasure without limits", the freedom to refuse injunctions, norms, and prefabricated expectations.
Giving a sex toy is saying: our love doesn't fit into boxes, our intimacy deserves better than a standardized dinner, our desire is worth the time, the attention, the imagination we devote to it. It is choosing authenticity over conformity, the thrill over routine, exploration over mechanical repetition.
Our Valentine's Day selection: 4 worlds of shared pleasure
Rather than an exhaustive list of products resembling an erotic IKEA catalogue, we have imagined four sensory territories — four ways of finding each other, surprising each other, letting pleasure flow between your bodies. Choose according to your desires, your curiosities, your configurations — there is no wrong choice, only the one that feels like you.
1. Couple vibrator: a vibration that flows between you
Imagine: you are entwined, skin against skin, and something vibrates between you — not an external object intruding on your intimacy, but an extension of your gestures, an amplified caress that creates a current running through both bodies.
The couple vibrator nestles where your anatomies meet — it can be worn during penetration, adding continuous clitoral stimulation and transforming every movement into a double sensation, or used during foreplay, held by one partner and felt by the other, creating a gentle power play where pleasure flows, is given, is shared like a silent conversation.
What it brings:
Simultaneous stimulation of the clitoris and G-spot during penetration
Vibrations felt by the penetrating partner too, creating a truly shared experience
The possibility of varying angles, pressures, and rhythms according to your moods and discoveries
A constant reminder that pleasure is never solitary, even in the most intimate fusion
This sex toy is particularly suited to couples who practice penis-vulva penetration, but also to those who use a strap-on, because vibration then becomes a universal language of pleasure, independent of anatomy.
Discover our selection of couple vibrators
2. Vibrating egg & remote control: the game of surprise
What if pleasure began long before the bedroom, if anticipation itself became the primary erotic act? The vibrating egg, discreet and elegant, slips inside or rests against the clitoris, and is controlled remotely via a remote control or an app that turns your smartphone into an instrument of pleasure.
Your partner becomes the conductor of your sensations, even from a few metres away, and suddenly everyday life takes on a tinge of latent eroticism. Picture the scene: you are dining at a restaurant, apparently composed, conversation flowing on ordinary topics — but beneath the table, your partner triggers an unexpected vibration and you must hold your composure, maintain your smile, while waves of pleasure rise inexorably.
It is a consensual power play, a shared secret that electrifies the ordinary, that transforms the car ride home into an interminable prelude where the waiting itself becomes erotic, almost unbearable.
What it brings:
A consensual power and control game that reawakens the dynamics of desire
The possibility of being stimulated in public (always discreetly) for those who love the thrill of a secret
An anticipation that multiplies desire long before the moment itself, like a long musical prelude
Surprise as a central erotic element, because you no longer control when or how pleasure arrives
Perfect for all couples seeking excitement, the unexpected, a game that spills out beyond the bedroom walls and seeps into the rest of life, like a musical note that lingers long after the piece has ended.
Explore our collection of vibrating eggs
3. Vibrating cockring: amplified pleasure, prolonged intimacy
There are objects that seem unremarkable at first glance, almost minimalist, and yet radically transform the experience. The cockring belongs to this category: a silicone ring placed at the base of the penis or a dildo when it comes to a vibrating ring, and it changes everything.
First, it prolongs erection by restricting blood flow, creating a sensation of heightened fullness and firmness. Then, if you have chosen a vibrating ring, it vibrates, and that vibration is transmitted with every movement, every thrust, stimulating the clitoris or perineum depending on the configuration. Pleasure ceases to be linear — it becomes circular, a loop where each sensation calls forth another.
What is beautiful about the vibrating ring is that it doesn't steal the spotlight — it almost effaces itself, yet its presence is felt everywhere, like a bass line in a jazz piece that doesn't draw attention but sets the rhythm for everything else. It reminds us that sometimes it is the most discreet details that create the most intense experiences.
What it brings:
Clitoral stimulation during penetration, without having to change position or add a hand into the equation
A longer-lasting erection, allowing pleasure to be stretched out in time rather than rushing toward orgasm
Vibrations felt by both partners, creating a sensation of sensory synchrony
An ease of use that makes it accessible even for those just discovering the world of sex toys
Ideal for couples who want to add a layer of sensation without upending their habits — simply enrich them, deepen them, let them linger a little longer, the way you stretch out a song you love so it doesn't end too soon.
Discover our selection of cockrings
4. Harness - strap-ons: for couples reinventing penetration
There are couples who don't just want to add something to their sexuality, but to reinvent it from within — to explore what happens when penetration no longer depends on an erection, when power flows differently between bodies, when you can choose the shape, the size, the texture of what enters you or enters the other.
The strap-on and the harness are not mere accessories — they are gateways into other erotic imaginaries, other sensations, other ways of inhabiting desire, power, and vulnerability. Whether you are two women, two men, a heterosexual couple reversing roles, or a queer couple who refuses labels, these pieces open up infinite possibilities.
In the 1970s, lesbian feminists such as Joan Nestle (founder of the Lesbian Herstory Archives) were already documenting how female couples were reinventing penetration and gender roles: desire between women did not have to imitate heterosexuality, penetration was not reserved for bodies with penises, butch/fem roles were not imitations but creations in their own right. Today, these explorations continue in your bedrooms, your role play, your nights when you become exactly who you want to be.
Between women — vulva owners: penetration, power, fluidity
For lesbian, sapphic couples or those between vulva owners, the strap-on is far more than a substitute — it is an object of erotic power that allows one to embody an active, dominant energy, or simply another way of loving.
Wearing a harness means feeling the weight of the dildo against your pubic bone, anticipating the pleasure you are about to give, taking the lead in a way that has nothing to do with masculinity and everything to do with your own desire to give, to penetrate, to bring pleasure.
Being penetrated by a woman or a vulva owner with a strap-on is a radically different experience: she looks into your eyes, adjusts her movements to your reactions, is entirely present to your pleasure.
Possible configurations:
Butch/fem: one embodies a powerful feminine masculinity, the other surrenders
Switch: you alternate roles according to desire
Strap-on double stimulation: with an internal dildo for the one wearing the harness
Strapless strap-on: held in place by vaginal contraction, no harness, skin against skin
Pegging: when heterosexual couples reverse roles
Pegging (anal penetration performed by a woman on her male partner or person with a penis) is an exploration increasingly embraced by heterosexual couples who refuse rigid gendered scripts.
For the man or person with a penis who receives, it means discovering the prostate (the P-spot, the equivalent of the G-spot), opening oneself to a new vulnerability, releasing the weight of virility's expectations. Prostatic orgasms are described as more intense, longer, more "full body".
For the woman or vulva owner who penetrates, it means embodying an unfamiliar erotic power, controlling the rhythm, watching their partner surrender. It is also a profoundly egalitarian act: each person now knows what it feels like to penetrate AND to be penetrated.
Penetrating without an erection: freedom for all people with a penis
For anyone with a penis (cis man, trans man, non-binary person — it doesn't matter), the strap-on offers a radical freedom: to penetrate without needing an erection, without depending on performance, without stress.
Whether due to stress, fatigue, medication, gender dysphoria, or simply the desire to explore differently, a harness allows you to maintain an active penetrative intimate life without physiological constraints.
The possibilities:
Vaginal or anal penetration of your partner (woman, man, non-binary person) with the dildo of your choice
Double penetration: wearing a harness while using your own penis (erect or not) to penetrate two openings simultaneously, or creating a sensation of extreme "fullness"
Choosing the shape and size: realistic, colourful, textured, curved for the G-spot or prostate dildo, according to the mood of the moment
Alternating roles: today you penetrate with the harness, tomorrow it is you who is penetrated
It is also precious for trans men or transmasculine people who wish to penetrate with a phallus of their choosing — one that resembles them, that embodies their masculinity.
How to give a sex toy for Valentine's Day (without making it awkward)
Giving a sex toy, even within an established couple, can stir a little apprehension: what if the other thinks I'm criticizing our sex life, what if it comes across as a veiled reproach, what if it's too direct, not romantic enough? Rest assured — everything lies in the way you present the gift, in the intention you put into it, in the words that accompany it.
Create the right context before revealing the gift
Don't produce your sex toy between courses like a surprise completely disconnected from the moment — prepare the ground beforehand, create an atmosphere conducive to intimacy and curiosity. Begin with a candlelit dinner if you love the revisited classics, or a Netflix evening in pyjamas if that's more your style — what matters is not the setting but the state of mind: relaxed, complicit, open.
You can slip a few allusions into conversation, mention an article you read on the subject, ask your partner what they think of sex toys in general — test the waters without forcing anything. Some couples even prefer to discuss it openly beforehand: I'd like us to try something new for Valentine's Day, would you be up for it? This transparency can be extremely alluring, because it shows that you take the other's desire seriously, that you want to share everything, not impose anything.
Accompany your gift with a message that sets the intention
A sex toy given without context can be misinterpreted, but a sex toy accompanied by a few sincere words becomes a declaration of erotic love. Slip a small note into the wrapping — something simple and true that explains your gesture, for example:
"I wanted us to rediscover each other, to keep our pleasure as alive and curious as ever. This gift is an invitation: to play, to explore, to surprise each other. No pressure — just for the pleasure of seeing where it takes us."
Or, if you are feeling more poetic, quote Marguerite Duras who wrote in The Lover: "Very early in my life it was too late." And add: "We still have time. Time to try everything, to feel everything, to live everything together."
Words set down on paper carry something precious, something solemn — they show that you took the time to choose your words, that this gift is not a joke but a genuine proposal for renewed intimacy.
Invite them to discover it together, without rushing
Once the gift is unwrapped, don't rush toward the bedroom as if you had a schedule to keep — let the object rest between you, look at it together, read the instructions if needed (yes, even sex toys come with user guides, and it's often quite amusing), talk about what you imagine doing with it, what intrigues you, what excites you at the thought of trying.
You can even decide not to use it that same evening — let the anticipation build for a few days, turning the wait into an erotic prelude. Send each other messages throughout the day: I've been thinking about our new toy all morning, I can't wait for us to try it this weekend. Anticipation, when shared, multiplies desire and transforms the object into a promise.
If your partner seems hesitant, don't push
Not all bodies are ready at the same moment, not all curiosities awaken at the same pace, and that is perfectly normal. If your partner seems reserved about the sex toy, don't take it as a personal rejection — consider instead that the moment may not have arrived yet, that the idea needs to ripen gently.
Simply suggest tucking the object away in a drawer, accessible but never imposed, and let time do its work. Often, it is the other who will come back to you a few weeks later saying: actually, I think I'd like to try, because the idea will have quietly made its way, without pressure.
Desire cannot be commanded — it is tamed, and sometimes giving a sex toy is planting a seed whose fruits will appear much later, when you least expect it, and that is perfectly fine.
This Valentine's Day, give yourselves the pleasure of rediscovering each other
Valentine's Day doesn't need to be a commercial, predictable celebration — it can become an occasion to honor what truly unites you: shared desire, intimate complicity, the will to nurture your bond rather than let it drift to sleep under the weight of habit and passing years.
A sex toy is never just an object — it is an intention, a way of saying to the other: you matter to me, our pleasure matters to me, what we build together deserves time, attention, imagination, even when routine would have us believe everything is already written.
In 1969, Woodstock celebrated free love and the possibility of reinventing the rules — May '68 had already proclaimed that pleasure should never be restrained, Serge and Jane shocked all of France by sighing in a recording studio. Today, we are the heirs of that freedom — the one that refuses to let desire wither like cut roses.
So this year, give yourself something other than flowers that won't last the week — give yourself a night you'll still remember ten years from now, give yourself the chance to rediscover each other, to laugh together over an incomprehensible instruction manual, to shiver together beneath new sensations, to surrender together while looking into each other's eyes.
Give yourselves love in its most alive form: curious, bold, forever renewed, refusing resignation, embracing exploration as a matter of course.
Discover our Valentine's Day selection and let yourselves be inspired by what your bodies can still discover together.
FAQ: Your questions about couple sex toys for Valentine's Day
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A bare-chested body in a landscape of ice, skin steaming with exertion... Why does the image of a man defying winter exert such magnetism? From the figure of the Viking warrior to the latest discoveries about testosterone, we decode this fantasy of antifragility. Learn how cold awakens your metabolism and how to transform ice into a promise of fire with our steel sex toys.
BDSM as a practice intrigues, sometimes unsettles, and often fascinates — but it is important to offer a clear definition of it.
Behind these four letters, an entire world unfolds: that of a codified, conscious, and infinitely personal desire, which can be expressed in many different ways.
Domination, submission, restraint, control, intense or delicate sensations… all these practices revolve around power dynamics.
BDSM does not denote a single practice, but a set of games: physical, psychological, symbolic, all founded on one common pillar: consent between partners.
This guide invites you to better understand the world of this realm of pleasure, particularly by exploring your desires with your partner, in a state of full awareness.
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What does BDSM mean?
The word BDSM is an acronym that has established itself internationally to denote a set of sexual, erotic, relational and sensory practices, founded on consent, trust, and a codified exploration of power, restraint or sensation.
The French dictionary definition of BDSM encompasses: "all sexual practices involving bondage, domination, sadism and masochism, submission and punishment."
Behind these four letters, one finds in reality three complementary pairs among practitioners:
B/D : Bondage & Discipline : the body is bound, contained, guided, within games of control and accepted rules.
D/S : Domination & Submission (Dom/Sub) : a power dynamic where one leads, the other follows, within a temporary, freely defined agreement.
S/M : Sadisme et Masochisme (Sadism & Masochism) : erotic exchanges where intensity, and sometimes pain, becomes a source of pleasure, for both the one who gives and the one who receives.
These terms, of English origin, are now used the world over: whether it be bondage, domination, subspace, switch, or impact play (codified striking games), BDSM speaks a universal language yet is practised in a personal, intimate way, with a content specific to each individual.
This is not an imposed act, but a precise role play, codified, constructed by two partners (or more).
Some prefer the slow languor of bondage; others the rising tension of a flogger during a spanking.
Some seek to relinquish control, others to exercise power — sometimes alternating between dominance and submission, depending on each person.
In any case, BDSM has nothing of a passing trend or a disorganised whim — it is a form of relationship, often deeply refined, that requires knowledge, attentiveness, preparation, and safety.
What is at play in BDSM is not pure transgression, but a free agreement around an erotic framework, a set of rules decided together. Never without the free, informed, reversible consent of every person involved in the sexual practice.
At 1969, we believe that BDSM is a world that offers a sexual, sensual and powerful experience — provided it is founded on respect, trust, and an attentiveness to the slightest signals of body and word. It is a game, a scene discussed beforehand, so that all the possibilities this practice has to offer can be fully embraced.
A brief history of BDSM: sadomasochism, domination and submission, bondage and discipline…
BDSM, as we know it today, is a recent definition and construction in its history. Yet the practices it encompasses — domination, restraint, intense or ritualised pleasure — explore power and traverse cultures, centuries, and languages.
Even in Antiquity, representations of power, sex and suffering coexisted in frescoes, myths and certain initiatory rituals.
In Japan, the art of Shibari (aesthetic bondage) finds its roots in Hojojutsu, a technique for immobilising prisoners developed as early as the 15th century.
In Europe, it is to the Marquis de Sade (1740–1814) that we owe one of the first literary bodies of work in the French language weaving together desire, sex, power and cruelty — not without controversy or condemnation.
But it was only in the twentieth century that these imaginaries came together into an identifiable BDSM culture, notably through the queer, sex-positive and feminist SM movements.
BDSM through the lens of psychoanalysis… and then philosophy
For a long time, these sexual practices were interpreted through a medical or psychoanalytic lens.
Sigmund Freud, at the turn of the twentieth century, associated sadomasochism with a repressed death drive, and saw it as a sign of neurosis.
A vision later contested by Gilles Deleuze, in "Présentation de Sacher-Masoch" (1967), who clearly distinguishes masochism from sadism:
"Masochism is not the opposite, but the double of sadism."
In Deleuze's view, the masochist, in submission, is not seeking pain, but a ritualised form of loss of control, within an aesthetic of contract, play, and staging.
This philosophical turning point marks the end of an era and opens the way for a rereading of BDSM as a language of power and relational structure, rather than as a pathology.
BDSM: a global culture, local scenes
From the 1970s onwards, BDSM culture took shape internationally, notably:
In the United States (San Francisco, New York), where the first SM clubs and sex-positive manifestos were born,
In Germany, the birthplace of the contemporary fetish movement (Berlin-style),
In Japan, where a visual and codified bondage scene developed through shibari,
In France, where the legacy of Sade meets libertine circles and post-feminist thought.
Today, BDSM takes shape according to the codes, languages and values of each country, but always with the same foundation: consent, safety and trust between partners.
The essentials to know before beginning BDSM
Discovering BDSM is like learning a new language — a sensory, bodily, emotional vocabulary that creates a unique bond between partners. A language where attentiveness precedes gesture, where every practice rests on a fundamental foundation: trust.
Because no, you don't begin with a crop or a rope — it is a whole:
One begins with a framework, a set of rules; one speaks of a consensual space, a chosen scene, an ethics of play.
The scene, or the framework of serious play in BDSM practice
In the world of BDSM, the word "scene" designates a precise moment in which partners choose to step into a role, a dynamic.
This is not theatre; it is a contract, even if unspoken. A ritualised space where one explores, in full awareness.
Before the scene: you talk, you establish boundaries, desires, and safewords.
After the scene: you care for one another, you listen, you reassure. This is the aftercare — that suspended moment where you return to yourself, together.
To set up a scene, discover our selection of Scene Accessories.
The pillars of healthy BDSM
Whether a novice or experienced, everything begins with three fundamental markers:
Safe: no real danger, neither to the body nor to one's mental wellbeing.
Sane: each person must be lucid, in full possession of their faculties.
Consensual: nothing takes place without mutual agreement, reversible at any moment.
Some BDSM communities also use the RACK principle (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) to emphasise that one can take risks in one's sexuality, as long as those risks are understood, desired, and managed.
The language of BDSM: an essential glossary
To avoid misunderstandings between partners, it is worth knowing a few common terms:
Dom / Dominant: the one who leads the scene.
Sub / Submissive: the one who relinquishes control, within a defined framework.
d s or d/s acronym for dominant and submissive
Switch: a person capable of alternating roles, depending on partners or desires.
Safeword (safety word): a word that immediately halts the scene if there is any discomfort.
Aftercare: a moment of care and gentle return to calm after a scene.
Hard limits / Soft limits: absolute limits (hard) or those to be explored with care (soft).
For enthusiasts or beginners, our BDSM kits are designed to lay the first foundations of a scene. Also discover our full range of BDSM accessories.
Exploring BDSM gently
Are you curious to explore a power dynamic within the world of BDSM?
Begin with lighter sensations: a blindfold, a pair of velvet handcuffs, a thin and supple flogger.
Do not seek performance: seek the quality of the connection, the subtlety of the dialogue.
BDSM is not an escalation. It is a rhythm for two (or more) — sometimes slow, sometimes bold, but always freely consensual.
At 1969, we believe that BDSM is neither a trend nor a taboo. It is a relational art, a terrain of trust, play, and awareness. And the most beautiful scene… often begins with a simple question: "And you — what would you like us to explore?"
Preconceptions around sadomasochism
Although more visible today, BDSM remains a practice largely surrounded by fantasy, confusion, and sometimes a certain wariness — often misunderstood by almost everyone.
The very word "sadomasochism" evokes, for some, the realm of pain, suffering, even perversion. But behind these projections lies a far richer, more nuanced, and deeply human reality.
"BDSM means wanting to hurt or be hurt" — domination and submission
This is perhaps the most persistent image: that of a power struggle where one person causes suffering and the other simply accepts everything.
In reality, BDSM has nothing to do with violence or pain inflicted upon another. It rests on a multitude of chosen, guided, and mutually desired practices, where each person has a voice.
What some call "pain" is in reality an intense stimulation, codified, anticipated, and always governed by strict rules: a safeword, constant dialogue, aftercare. Within this framework, pain is perceived differently.
In BDSM, nothing is imposed. Everything is built through a dynamic of attentiveness, respect, and informed consent.
"You have to be damaged or unstable to enjoy it"
For a long time, sadomasochism was regarded as a deviant personality or a pathology.
Yet contemporary research has profoundly challenged this view.
A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine (2013) shows that BDSM practitioners present psychological profiles just as stable, or even more balanced than the general population: less anxious, more extroverted, with an often more secure attachment style.
In 2020, a scientific review conducted by King's College London concluded that no significant link exists between BDSM and mental health disorders, provided the practice is consensual and takes place within a healthy framework.
BDSM is therefore not an escape or a form of compensation, but a mode of relationship and sensory communication, much like dance, theatre, or intense sport.
"It's necessarily sexual"
BDSM may include a sexual dimension, but it is by no means a requirement.
Some scenes unfold fully clothed, without genital contact, in a subtle or symbolic erotic tension. Pleasure can arise from a glance, from words, from a play of authority, from the slowness of a gesture.
It is a choreography for two (or more) where every sensation matters.
"BDSM is for the young, gay people, or extremists"
Here too, the numbers contradict the clichés:
People of all ages, all orientations, all gender identities explore BDSM today. Some discover these practices at 20, others at 50 or 60, within a stable relationship or as part of a rediscovery of self.
In 2022, a study from Cambridge University for European Psychiatry showed that BDSM is increasingly practised by heterosexual or cisgender couples, in gentle, personalised forms, far removed from the stereotypes portrayed in films or pornography.
Why try this sexual practice?
It is often thought that BDSM is reserved for initiates, underground circles, or devotees of extreme intensity.
In reality, it speaks to anyone curious about exploring their body, their limits, their emotions, within a safe and consensual framework.
Whether you have been in a relationship for twenty years, are single, a beginner, or already experienced, BDSM can enrich your intimate life with gentleness or intensity, according to your desires. It is not a practice reserved for an elite, but a territory to explore at your own pace, with your own map.
Here are 5 good reasons to explore this practice:
1. To reignite intimacy within a relationship
For example, over time, sexuality can grow blunted, ritualistic, losing its spontaneity. BDSM introduces a new dynamic into the exchange between partners: roles are played, scenarios explored, a different tension created — sometimes simply with a mask or a deeper voice.
This BDSM staging of power reopens the window of dialogue and presence within one's relationships.
2. To learn more about yourself
Exploring a BDSM practice also means questioning one's desire: what excites me? What unsettles me? Where are my limits, my secret longings?
It is a journey towards oneself, through the other partner, with a particular attentiveness to their reactions, their sensations, to what makes them shiver or pull back.
Many practitioners speak of a stronger sense of alignment with their body and emotions following these experiences.
3. To step away from sexual performance
In a society that prizes orgasm, duration, virility, or silent submission during sex, BDSM proposes a different model of sexual encounter: slower, more scripted, more sensual.
Here, orgasm is not always the destination; the journey matters as much as the summit.
One can experience pleasure without penetration, without nudity, without an imposed rhythm, simply through the power of tension, language, and codified gestures.
4. To explore trust and letting go
In a well-prepared BDSM scene, one surrenders — not to the other person, but to a framework.
One can then experience the sensation of controlled letting go (for the submissive) or that of erotic responsibility (for the dominant).
These are emotionally rich experiences, sometimes even therapeutic, as they allow one to reclaim ownership of one's body within a reassuring context.
5. Because there is no age limit for play
BDSM is not a question of age, gender, or body type.
Some begin at 20, others at 60. Practices can be adapted to one's physical abilities, current desires, and personal history.
The only true condition is the desire to discover — not to prove anything at all.
What do BDSM games involve?
BDSM is not reduced to a few accessories or extreme practices. It is a fully-fledged erotic language, with its own codes, rhythms, and temporality. It redefines the dynamic of sexual encounter, giving a central place to staging, psychological tension, and above all… consent.
The difference between BDSM play and "classic" sexual play
In so-called "classic" sexuality, pleasure often follows a linear path: arousal, penetration, orgasm. BDSM, by contrast, disrupts this structure.
What is sought is the emotional experience: the power play, the rising of desire, transgression in complete safety.
Here, the dominant / submissive (Dom/Sub) dynamic sometimes replaces immediate reciprocity. One leads, the other surrenders. This dynamic, codified, is chosen, discussed, and reversible. It rests on trust, communication, and attentiveness to boundaries.
Some scenes can be very gentle, based on sensory deprivation or control; others more intense, with impact play or restraint.
BDSM does not necessarily aim for orgasm. It explores power, letting go, vulnerability, and mastery. It is a space where people dare, in complete safety.
The ideal accessories to spice up your BDSM play
There is a great variety of objects and accessories designed to enrich the BDSM experience. There is no need to own everything: a few well-chosen items are enough to open a world of new sensations.
Here are a few suggestions, selected for their aesthetic, their safety of use, and their versatility:
A blindfold or a BDSM mask to deprive one sense and awaken others: by blindfolding, you heighten imagination, attentiveness, and the shiver of anticipation.
A pair of BDSM handcuffs or fabric restraints: to immobilise without harming, to create tension, to play on the contrast between surrender and control.
A riding crop, a paddle or our floggers: to explore impact play with different materials and sensations.
An outfit for a BDSM evening: to step into a character, play a role, and ritualise the exchange.
A plug or a cockring to heighten stimulation during intimacy, to play with sensation, and to delay orgasm. Discover our selection of sex toys specially designed for BDSM.
How do I know if I am ready to try BDSM?
There is no typical profile, no ideal age, no level to reach before taking an interest in BDSM. But certain signals may indicate a desire to explore:
You are in a stable relationship, but routine has dulled the intimacy. You are looking to rekindle desire, to introduce play, excitement, and surprise.
You have fantasies linked to domination, submission, control — even vague ones, even ones never expressed.
You are drawn to the idea of feeling differently, of stepping outside familiar scenarios, of (re)discovering your own body and that of another.
You long for a more conscious sexuality, founded on communication, trust, mutual attentiveness, and agreed boundaries.
But above all, you are ready to respect a clear framework, defined between those involved, where every scene rests upon free, mutual, reversible consent, without ambiguity or pressure between partners.
BDSM is not a performance. It is an erotic dialogue, a role play, a chosen tension.
If the idea intrigues you, awakens something in you, or raises questions… then perhaps that is already a first step.
At 1969, we believe that desire follows no rules. It is invented through curiosity, attentiveness, and shared freedom between partners.
FAQ on what BDSM is
Poetry has always sung of desire through the senses.What if we, too, relearned to love with our skin, our scents, our sounds and our shivers?An article exploring the role of the sensory in romantic connection, and how our accessories can reawaken the memory of pleasure.
