A guide to practising mutual masturbation: the art of shared pleasure

Mutual masturbation remains one of the most misunderstood and underestimated practices in shared sexuality. Many see it as foreplay, a transitional step toward something more “important.” At 1969, we see things differently. Mutual masturbation is a destination in itself, a form of deep intimacy that deserves all our attention and curiosity.

It is a practice that says something beautiful to your partner: I want you to truly see me, to learn how my body works, to discover what excites me. It is an invitation to shared vulnerability, mutual learning, and a form of connection that transforms the simple act of touching oneself into a celebration of desire.

What is mutual masturbation, really?

Before diving into the details, let us clarify what we mean by mutual masturbation. This practice can take several forms, depending on your desires and mutual comfort. At its core, it means masturbating in the presence of your partner. This may mean stimulating yourself while they watch. It may also mean that you both stimulate yourselves at the same time. Or it can evolve into a form in which you touch each other, where your hands become instruments of the other person’s pleasure.

Mutual masturbation is a sexual activity that encourages closeness and allows each partner to move at their own pace. It is never an obligation, always an invitation, a possibility to explore together what works for both of you.

What makes mutual masturbation especially interesting is that it creates a space where each person can be entirely themselves. No performance to maintain, no script to follow. Just your body, your sensations, your desire, observed and admired by someone who loves you.

Why explore mutual masturbation?

The reasons for exploring this practice are many, varied, and deeply personal. For some couples, it is a way to rediscover each other after years together. For others, it is a gentle introduction to shared sexuality. For others still, it is simply a way to create intimacy without penetration.

Mutual learning is one of the greatest benefits. By watching your partner masturbate, you discover exactly how they like to be touched. You learn the rhythm that excites them, the pressure they prefer, and the areas of the body that make them tremble. This knowledge becomes treasure, intimate secrets you keep between you.

Sexual safety is another major benefit. If you limit yourselves to masturbating in each other’s presence without direct physical contact, there is no risk of STIs or pregnancy. It is an extremely safe form of sexuality, which can be reassuring, especially for couples discovering shared sexuality or going through a period of transition.

Emotional connection deepens in a unique way. Showing yourself naked, sexually, is an extreme vulnerability. It creates an intimacy that goes far beyond penetration alone. It is saying to the other person: this is who I truly am, this is what I desire, this is what makes me feel alive.

The freedom of pace is precious. Unlike traditional sex, where you often have to find a compromise between two different rhythms, mutual masturbation allows each person to follow their own path toward orgasm. You do not need to synchronize your movements, adapt, or hold back. You can simply be.

Sophie, who discovered mutual masturbation with her partner after ten years together, sums up this benefit well: “What truly surprised me was how intimate it was. I thought it would be awkward, but it was the opposite. Seeing my partner genuinely excited while watching me was liberating.”

Communication: the foundation of everything

Before embarking on this exploration, a conversation is essential. Not when you are entwined, but in the clarity of daylight, when you can speak openly, without pressure or urgency.

Begin by gently bringing up the subject. You might say something like: “I’d like us to explore our sexuality together in a new way. I’ve been thinking about mutual masturbation. What do you think?” Give your partner time to reflect, ask questions, and express any reservations or enthusiasm.

Enthusiastic consent is essential. A hesitant “yes” is not enough. You need to feel that your partner is genuinely interested, that they see it as an exciting opportunity rather than an obligation. If your partner hesitates, allow time. Sometimes, the idea needs to mature before curiosity takes over from discomfort.

Also clarify your respective boundaries. Will you simply watch each other masturbate, or are you comfortable touching each other? What kind of contact makes you feel at ease? What words or gestures make you uncomfortable? This prior conversation creates a safe framework in which everyone knows what to expect.

Sophie discovered the importance of this communication: “We spent an hour talking about it before really trying. My partner was afraid I would think he was obsessed or something like that. But once we spoke honestly, everything changed.”

Creating the perfect atmosphere

Atmosphere is not a superfluous detail. It is the fertile ground in which intimacy grows. A beautiful atmosphere transforms a simple act into a memorable experience, a ritual you look forward to.

Begin with the lighting. Harsh lights kill desire. Choose soft lighting: candles, a gentle floor lamp, or simply city lights filtering through the window. Partial darkness creates intimacy, allowing each person to feel both observed and protected.

Music plays a real role. It creates a rhythm, fills potentially awkward silences, and accompanies your movements. Choose something that puts you both at ease: sensual jazz, gentle electronic music, or simply the sounds of nature.

Temperature and comfort matter more than you might think. A room that is too cold makes you tense. An uncomfortable bed distracts you. Prepare pillows, soft blankets, perhaps a cosy throw or silk sheets. Create a nest where you feel both safe and sensual.

Accessories can enrich the experience. Massage oils, lubricants, makeup, sensual clothing: these elements create an atmosphere; they tell your body: this is a special moment, a moment for you.

Positions: exploring different arrangements

There is no single right way to practise mutual masturbation. Your body, your space, and your preferences determine what works for you. Here are a few arrangements you might explore.

Face to face

This is the most intimate position. You are sitting or lying opposite each other, your eyes meet, your breathing intertwines. This arrangement allows for prolonged eye contact, which can be deeply emotionally stimulating. You see every expression on your partner’s face, every shiver of pleasure, every moment when they approach orgasm.

To enrich this position, you can place your hands on each other’s body—on the legs, stomach, or chest. You create a physical connection while remaining in your own stimulation.

Side by side

Lying side by side, you touch yourselves while feeling your partner’s closeness. This position offers gentle intimacy, less intense than face-to-face, yet beautifully comfortable. You can hold hands, look at each other, speak softly.

This is an excellent position to begin with, especially if you feel nervous. It creates connection without requiring complete exposure.

With your partner between your legs

This arrangement creates a feeling of closeness and embrace. One partner sits between the other’s legs, with their back to them. While the person behind masturbates, they can hold the other close and caress them, creating a feeling of being embraced while maintaining their own stimulation.

Watching from a distance

Sometimes, distance creates a particular kind of desire. You can position yourselves in different parts of the room, watching each other from afar. This arrangement plays with anticipation, spectacle, and the feeling of being watched.

The key is to choose a position in which you both feel comfortable and excited. There is no right or wrong position, only the one that feels like you.

Techniques and movements: creating your own dance

Mutual masturbation is not an exact science. Here are a few techniques you might explore, but remember: your own instinct and desire are your best guides.

Begin slowly. Do not rush toward orgasm. Take time to explore your own body, caress your erogenous zones, and let desire build gradually. Show your partner how you like to be touched by touching yourself in that way.

Vary the rhythm and pressure. Begin gently, then speed up. Slow down again. Explore different pressures and movements. This variation creates erotic tension and keeps your partner in suspense.

Describe what you feel. Moans, sighs, and words are all forms of communication. Tell your partner how good it feels, what you are feeling, what you would like them to do. This narration creates a verbal intimacy that enriches the experience.

Observe and learn. By watching your partner masturbate, you learn their preferences, sensitivities, and personal rhythm. Remember this information. It will become precious when it is your turn to touch them.

Create synchronicity. If you wish, you can try synchronizing your movements, creating a shared dance. Or you can deliberately remain out of sync, creating a form of sensual chaos with a beauty all its own.

Sophie describes her experience: “At first, we were awkward; we didn’t really know what to do. But over time, it found its natural rhythm. It’s like a conversation without words.”

Mutual masturbation: incorporating accessories and sex toys

Mutual masturbation can be enriched through the use of sex toys. These accessories are never intruders in your intimacy; they are tools that amplify your sensations and create new possibilities.

• A couples’ vibrator can transform the experience. You can pass it between you, use it together, and create a form of play in which each person discovers how the other likes to be stimulated with this object.

• A wand vibrator offers remarkable versatility. It can be used for external stimulation, to explore different areas of the body, and to create varied sensations.

• A penis masturbator can enrich mutual masturbation for couples with a partner who has a penis. It creates a feeling of fullness.

• A clitoral stimulator arouses the clitoris for a focused orgasm in people with vulvas.

• A water-based lubricant transforms sensations, creates fluidity, and makes every caress softer and more pleasurable.

What matters is that these accessories serve your mutual pleasure, rather than replace it. They are companions in your exploration, not substitutes for the connection you create together. Discover our advice on approaching the subject of sex toys as a couple. 

Safety and precautions

Although mutual masturbation is one of the safest forms of shared sexuality, a few precautions are worth mentioning.

If you limit yourselves to watching each other masturbate without direct contact between your genitals, there is virtually no risk of STIs. It is the safest form of mutual masturbation.

• If you wish to touch each other, the risks increase slightly. Bodily fluids can transmit certain STIs. To minimize this risk, wash your hands before and after, use latex gloves if you wish, or limit direct contact.

• Use protection if you move from mutual masturbation to other forms of sexuality. 

• Respect the boundaries you have established together. If your partner says no, it means no. If something becomes uncomfortable, it is okay to stop.

Talking during mutual masturbation

Verbal communication greatly enriches this experience. You can express your pleasure, offer guidance, create an erotic narrative to accompany your gestures.

“That feels so good,” “I love watching you,” “show me how you like it,” “keep going exactly like that”: these simple words create a verbal intimacy that complements physical intimacy.

You can also play with language, create verbal fantasies, and describe what you would like to do. This form of verbal intimacy enriches the experience for many people.

Long-distance mutual masturbation

Technology offers endless possibilities: mutual masturbation by video. If you are geographically apart, you can still create this form of intimacy.

Make sure your conversation is private and secure. Use an encrypted platform, set clear boundaries around screenshots and recordings. Create a pleasant atmosphere at home, even if your partner is not physically present.

Long-distance mutual masturbation creates a unique form of intimacy. There is something especially exciting about knowing that your partner is somewhere else, touching themselves while thinking of you, watching you through a screen.

Connected sex toys also allow you to take this experience further. Brands such as Lovense and Satisfyer offer toys compatible with a mobile app, which your partner can control remotely, wherever they may be. They can adjust the intensity and stimulation modes in real time, creating a playful interaction despite the distance. Simply make sure to use the brand’s official app and share access to the toy only with someone you trust.

What mutual masturbation reveals about your relationship

Practising mutual masturbation creates a form of intimacy that goes beyond sexuality alone. It reveals a level of trust, vulnerability, and mutual acceptance that strengthens the foundations of your relationship.

Sophie sums it up with beautiful clarity: “It changed our relationship. Not just the sexual part, but everything. When you show someone how you orgasm, how you touch yourself, how you fantasize... there are no more secrets. It is a level of intimacy I had never known.”

It also says something important: you give each other permission to be authentic. You are saying: I want to truly know you, not just the version you show the world, but your intimate self, your desiring self, your authentic self.

Beginning your exploration

If you are considering mutual masturbation, here is a simple plan to get started:

• Week 1: The conversation. Talk to your partner about it; explore their reactions, curiosities, and reservations.

• Week 2–3: Mental preparation. Let the idea settle in. Watch erotic content together if it helps you prepare.

• Week 4: The first attempt. Create a pleasant atmosphere, begin slowly, without pressure. If it does not work, that is okay. You can try again.

• Beyond: Exploration. Once you have begun, explore different positions, techniques, and accessories. Let your sexuality evolve naturally.

The beauty of mutual masturbation

Mutual masturbation is also a celebration of solitary pleasure transformed into a shared experience. It is saying to your partner: your pleasure delights me, your sexuality excites me, your vulnerability moves me.

At 1969, we believe that mutual or solitary masturbation deserves to be celebrated as a form of sexuality in its own right, not merely as foreplay. It is a beautiful way to explore together, rediscover yourselves, and create an intimacy that transcends the simple physical act.

So, will you take the leap? Will you give yourselves permission to truly show yourselves to your partner, to let your hands become the language of your desire, to explore this form of intimacy that may have been waiting for a long time?

To go further:

We believe that shared pleasure begins with honesty toward yourself and your partner. Our sex toy collections have been designed to accompany this exploration, to create moments where vulnerability becomes a strength and desire is expressed without restraint.